Fresh starts

A rough few years it has been, once, was blogging suggested but never did I consider it. However now, I feel suddenly interested in sorting my life out. I am unsure what kind of blog this will turn out to be, but I can promise quality.



I attended an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting yesterday, I was meant to go last week but my sleeping pattern has been so messed up. Fortunately today in my lecture in addictive behaviours, three members of AA visited to give a speech and I ended up speaking to them afterwards and made myself go later that day.

I’m having such weird and emotions dreams surrounding a girl who I was at school with, I have no idea why I keep dreaming of her but she’s been in my past three dreams. They’re so impactful that I wake up thinking what happened in my dream happened. I’m increasing thinking of connecting with her on Facebook but I’m not sure.

I’m ahead with university coursework, I have finished my essays apart from my dissertation introduction literature, which is only 1500 words due in 15th of December. So I can’t complain with my studies.

My parents visit tomorrow, they’re bringing me cannabis, and weirdly enough I didn’t have to ask them, instead my mum offered to bring me some up, maybe it’s because she would rather I smoked weed than drink which is understandable.

I really don’t know why I’m dreaming about this girl, I wish I knew.1EE31519-0503-465A-A00B-EFD5D4E5C2BF.jpeg

Sleep… or lack of.

My sleep has always been so bad, I don’t really get to bed before 3am. My Gp has prescribed me some tablets to help, which they do. However he doesn’t know that I’ve been double dosing since the start. Now because of tolerance, it doesn’t do so much. If anyone knows of methods to ease getting sleep I would much appreciate it.

Also this is a picture of me (one of the few). However I don’t have blonde streaks (v drunk first year of uni left me with bleach blonde hair and also skin head).


A couple weeks have gone by, my mothers father is in hospital and she is very sick also (bed ridden). I return to university in a couple of weeks, but my headaches are getting worse.

Now I am able to simply tense my head and it will be followed by pain similar to that of a headache, just concentrated to one part of my head.

I am stuck, I really don’t want to tell my parents especially my father as he will be worrying (he already does).


I’m only coming to realisation how serious my cyst is. I have never been a fan of headaches, I’ve often put the question to my friends wether they would have a constant headache for all the money in the world…

Recently my headaches are more frequent, now they happen each day (right now, even after 1g paracetamol it has nothing change.

I can’t do headaches, I really cannot do them… but it seems like they’re only going to get more frequent. 😦

My cat. Florence, my world.

Contrary to my posts…

Despite anything and everything that I make no bones about, I am generally doing the best I have in a while. I haven’t drank in a while (I don’t keep count), and I have a bottle of beer in the corner of my room which has been there for all that time! At this stage it feels just symbolic, my mother asked to get rid of it but I told her just that. I return to university in roughly a month, I’m kinda sleeping better, also staying sober completely but the devils lettuce I have give up just yet although it ironically completely contradicts my desire to quit every drug as such.

I have also starting reading a lot more, Jordan Peterson’s newest book is what I currently read which as, if you have read it can understand the profound effect that book has on particularly young men. And I also have starting to play overwatch a lot more. Mentally, successive team work stimulates my brain I guess.

I took this picture a very long while back when I took pictures, my mum always says I should do it more… I haven’t taken pictures in like 5 years, I was a lot different back then. I remember driving back from work racing up the cornfields to take a picture of a bright deep pink sunset. Maybe I will keep posting pictures with my posts from now on.

Pineal cyst.

So ever since my seizure led on by excessive drinking at university, I have been having MRI/fMRI/EEG scans on a annual basis. Over time a cyst in the centre of my brain has been growing, and recently has started to bleed within. At the beginning it was a mere 2mm in size, nothing but a bubble of water. Now it’s nearly 6mm in size, and not so easily put aside. With more frequent headaches that I can only describe as sharp “lighting strike” shaped pains going through my head. With another meeting at the neurology department soon (ironically as I prepare to return to university to study cognitive neuroscience), the fate of this thing inside my head will soon be made! I can’t really do much except wait until it grows to the size in which surgery is required (7.5mm).

What to do with all this time, knowing this thing is indeed gradually growing. The worst part is the effect is has in my parents, more worried, more anxious, more pressured.

Another fresh start?

So in around a month I return to university in an attempt to finish my degree. The past year has been up and down, nothing like the prior three years.

I feel better, not perfect… nowhere near, but I feel I am making a positive change. My parents are proud of me, my dad is very proud of me, and it means the world to know he’s happy along with my mother.

She hasn’t been too great recently; she suffered a heart attacked followed by a few operations regarding a stent being put into her heart. I hate thinking about it.

For now I will keep it brief, as I plan on getting a decent nights sleep for once in order to keep to my brand schedule which I hope will help me go through the day. Structure is what I need, so structure is what I’m getting.


Throughout my years growing up, I always felt normal… Normal family, normal friends, a generally ok life. I was happy until I was the age of understanding.

Now I just wish there were a simple way out, but there will never be such a way.

Instead I am left, feeling trapped in this life, slowly watching the ones I love decay and inevitably die. I wish I could feel happiness the way I had growing up, but I find it impossible to just pass by important facts of life, it would be as if I was pretending the negatives weren't there, until the next major life changing event.

My dear mother, I have caused her so much pain and stress, yet I cannot end it as it would make her worse, my dad also.

I just wish I could go sleep and never have to wake up.